Each time I do a cover critique, I challenge myself to find covers that are more soul-scarring, disturbing, or ridiculous than the last set and I often worry I won't be able to top the week prior in those particular areas. This week I really needn't have worried. I believe the crotch o'flame was pretty memorable a couple weeks ago, but the ones I have today I think will haunt most of you for the remainder of your lives. No thank you necessary my friends, I do this out of the goodness of my heart because I find such fulfillment in sharing snort-inducing images with all of you ;-)
HOW NOT TO DATE A BEAR
*falls down dead*
I don't really know what else to say other than you're welcome for the gift I have bestowed upon you all with this masterpiece of naked hairy weirdness. I feel like we all know each other well enough now that I can openly admit I'm a little traumatized by this gentleman. I may have trouble sleeping tonight. And if I'm traumatized simply by looking at this cover, how must that poor little bear feel pressed up against his no-doubt fuzzy goods? Our stuffed purple friend is going to need therapy, but I for one am extremely grateful for his presence as it hides a view I'm not sure I'd ever recover from if I saw it.
In addition to being super furry he's also incredibly shiny. You would think the hair would dull the shine a bit, but you'd be wrong. Through the forest of black fluffiness he glistens, a beacon of naked masculinity that's only slightly hindered by a violet stuffed animal standing (sitting?) guard to keep prying eyes off his most-prized bear appendage. Can't you just hear that as a voice over for this if it was a movie or audio book? Maybe I've missed my calling...
I don't know about you guys, but I like my fictional naked men to have a little confidence. Some self-assurance. Something that says "I'm naked, you're looking, so what of it? Let's make something happen." This fuzzy fellow looks extraordinarily uncomfortable (and really, who can blame him), but I think he could benefit from some lessons from naked bachelor number 2....
WOLF'S BLOOD: FIRE WOLF
Shazam! He just exudes confidence doesn't he? He's got his cocky stance and his balled fists, not to mention his flowing hair and bulging muscles, all of which say he owns his nakedness and dares us to find fault in his physique. He's all "my twig and berries are so hot if you but kneel in their general vicinity you will be set aflame, forever branded by my glorious peen and my obvious sexual magnificence." Well said Fire Wolf, well said.
Were I in his shoes, I'm pretty sure I would be slightly apprehensive at the idea of fire in and around my nether regions, but clearly I'm not quite as secure in my physical perfection as he is so what do I know? He's doing his fist pump in the middle of the arctic wilderness bare as the day he was born, and he's got his woman on her knees literally burning for him. Apparently life is good when you're the Fire Wolf.
This cover just makes me happy. First, there's a unicorn and I happen to be a fan of all things equine. Second, his hair is amazing. Like a fairy-tale princess. Third, he's naked. Except for his CAPE. A cape people! And a lined one no less! Obviously you can't go around at night riding black unicorns without your cape. It's just unheard of. There would be whispers and rumors flying everywhere in society, so really, the cape is completely necessary to preserve modesty and propriety. Now we've all been schooled in Night Rides social etiquette, so when we decide to go out butt-arse naked and swing a leg over our trusty unicorns, we know a cape is required. Doesn't matter if boobs and boy parts are a bouncin' in the wind as long as a cape hides the more intimate parts of our bodies. Like our backs. Whew. That was a close call. I was minutes away from riding down to the mailbox sans cape and startling my mailman with my gross disregard for the rules. Fear not mailman, the crisis has been averted and all is well. Breasts on display? Check. Crotch in full view? Check. Back and butt cheeks covered? Double check.
I think perhaps even better than this cover is the blurb:
"Beware the virgin. Chastity brings death."
Reiter has been living in the shadow of that prophecy for ten debauched years. He has built a herd of the fiercest warriors and the most sexually experienced women in the land. He has everything a prince could possibly want: unlimited sex, wealth, and too much power. Why then is he fascinated with the one woman who could hurt him the most?
CHASTITY BRINGS DEATH!!!!! That is perhaps the greatest line I've ever read. I literally smacked my forehead on my desk because my neck couldn't hold my head up under the force of my laughter. Gotta watch out for those tricky virgins, they're harbingers of evil they are. Don't let them seduce you with their innocent wiles, keep to the slutty ones! THE SLUTTY ONES WILL SAVE YOU PEOPLE! I feel as though back of his cape might read something like "there's safety in sluts" and he probably struts about wearing it with pride like a letterman jacket, letting it serve as a reminder to himself and everyone around him the dangers of virtue. Death awaits those on the road of purity my friends, you heard the prophecy. You know what you have to do. Get naked. Get a cape. Get riding.
My day has been made, how about yours? Happy Friday everyone!
*UPDATE: There seems to be some dispute as to whether the individual in the above cover is male or female. I'm going with male since the protagonist is male and those are some massive thighs for a woman, but it could go either way, and doesn't that just add to the fun ;-)