Friday, March 23, 2012

Cover Critique: Crotches of Flame

Let me preface this post by saying that my critiques of these covers are in no way, shape or form a reflection on the author, the content or the publisher. I know the authors have very little, if any, control over the design. These are strictly my thoughts meant simply to be humorous and not insulting.

I don't want to boast, but I think I've really outdone myself this week friends. Truly. Sometimes my laugh-out-loud cover-finding skills are so magical that I impress even myself. This is one of those times. I've simply blown myself away with the covers I've stumbled upon, and as I think the title of this post suggests, you're in for a treat. A flaming hot one. Now that I'm done thoroughly patting myself on the back for my internet-scavenging brilliance, I think we can move on to taking a look at the fruits of my labor. Be prepared.

GOD OF FIRE


Look at that people. It's glorious. The nakedness and the hair and the flames all combine to create a work of art to rival the masters of the Renaissance in my humble opinion. Nothing sexier than a man with fiery junk I always say. In fact, I say it so often I think I'd like crocheted on some decorative pillows. Or oven mitts maybe. Oven mitts would make more sense right? They're made for handling hot things. Like extra crispy man bits. I personally think Michelangelo should have experimented a touch with flaming crotches, it would have taken his work to a more refined and impressive level. It's not like he wasn't intimately familiar with sculpting that particular area, so what would adding a few flames have hurt? Nothing, that's what.

I have a question though. As the title tells us, our nude friend here with the fluffy mane of gold is the God of Fire, and if that's to be believed, one would think he would have a certain level of control over his abilities. Gods are typically immortal, so in theory he's had an extremely long time to fine-tune his fire-wielding correct? Let's just go with yes. So why, if we're to assume he's a champ when it comes to flame manipulation, would he be pictured here with his goods aflame? That seems like a newbie mistake if you ask me. Premature crotch ignition? A full-blown god should not lose control like this! It's just unbecoming really.

And look at his face! He's giving us the intimidating stare down, like should we dare to mention his little issue with prematurity he will show us just how accurate and, ahem, on time he can be by flambeing us with a single precision strike. You win Peen of Fire, you win. I won't mention this little incident to anyone. Promise.

Random side note: My brain often freezes while trying to think of the right word or words to accurately express what I'm trying to say when writing these critiques. In the case of the above cover, there was one word in particular I couldn't think of for the life of me and it was driving me crazy, so I called to my husband Kevin in the other room and asked for assistance. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Kevin?

Kevin: What?

Me: What's it called when a guy unintentionally gets off before he's supposed to?

Kevin: What?

Me: I think we both know you heard what I just asked. Don't pretend my out-of-nowhere verbal sexual outburst has surprised you.

Kevin: Premature ejaculation?

Me: YES! Premature! Thank you, that's super helpful.

Kevin: Seriously? What the hell are you writing in there?

Me: Don't worry about it.

Kevin: This is going on the blog isn't it.

Me: Sure is. And you were instrumental in making it happen. You should be proud.

Kevin: Never been prouder. This is a real high point in my life.

Me: Sarcasm doesn't become you the way it so clearly does me, please refrain from using it in the future.

Kevin: There are things wrong with you. Seriously.

Ah, marriage. Full of sweet honesty and deep love.


PHOENIX RISING



I don't want anyone to think I have something against men by poking fun at our fire god up there and his possible quick-trigger tendencies, so I thought it pertinent I post a woman with fiery nether regions as well. Now no one can say I'm anything other than completely fair.

I have to say in this instance the fire doesn't catch my attention nearly as much as the white nipple curly-cue though. I can't say I've ever seen a titty swirl before, it's entirely new to me. Maybe that just shows you how sheltered I am, but I can't stop staring at it. At first glance I thought maybe it was some piece of futuristic lingerie since it seems to wrap around her back like a bathing suit, but her other breast seems to be swirl-free, and really, how would a top that simply curls around her boob like that stay up? It's a conundrum.

With the bizarre bra idea off the table quickly, my imagination began to take me to some uncomfortable places. Specifically, it immediately jumped to the old Care Bear cartoons. Remember those? The cute fuzzy bears with the little bellies that when pushed gave them special abilities? That's what her nipple spiral made me think of–that maybe if someone pressed it, a phoenix would shoot from her boob and do I'm-not-sure-what because I didn't really get that far in my thought process. I know I just completely perverted a wonderful children's cartoon, but I can't help the way my mind works people! It went that direction without my permission. *hangs head in shame*

Happy Friday everyone!

40 comments:

  1. That first cover reminds me of Phury from the Black Dagger Brotherhood. LMAO!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahahaha this is too funny!! I love the Care Bear reference and how she might have a phoenix shoot out at any second haha!

    ReplyDelete
  3. OH man oh man oh man. I DIE.
    THE COVERS... they're...

    err... fiery.... *gigglesnort*

    Seriously, I can't look at anything but her nipple swirl... is that a cinnamon scroll?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dear gawd, I just can't get past the face on mister fire britches up there.

    He can't be a natural blonde, since his eyebrows are blacker than soot; soot which has smudged all around his smoldering eyes...*snort!* And that nose! You could poke somebody's eye out with that thing.

    You've outdone yourself this time!

    ReplyDelete
  5. OH MY GOSH. *bursts out laughing* Those covers are so... everything that you mentioned in this critique! x) I love how they kind of go together. And oh man, I'm never going to look at Care Bears the same again! But it's not your fault! *sticks pillow between the desk and your head so you don't get a concussion* :)

    I looooooove your cover critiques so much, Jenny! Now I'm off to school with a huge smile on my face -- although I'm NOT explaining it to anyone who asks LOL! x) <3

    P.S. You and your husband are so funny!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Titty swirl. Peen of Fire.


    Fridays are so much fun at your blog, Jenny.

    ReplyDelete
  7. First Cover: hmmmmm maybe he was trying to melt the vasts amount of eyeliner that he was wearing --off? I mean sometimes that stuff is a b*tch to remove. (don't ask I was distracted by eyeliner)LLOL

    (On a side note---your hubby is a gem)

    Last Cover: New Cabaret Show---we light your fire (literally)!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I read 'Crotches of Flame' and thought - they've got cream for that.

    ReplyDelete
  9. LOL- color me happy you always make my Friday mornings great...:D

    All the crotch flame only made me think of one thing....STDs...that can turn a girl off in second!!!

    But the swirly boob with magic bird power, um that was pretty genius.

    ReplyDelete
  10. AmyJ - HA! It definitely does:) Though this guy's got creepy eyes, I like to picture Phury more sexy and less "I'll murder you in your sleep" :)

    Katie - I couldn't help it. The Care Bear thing just popped in there!

    Sarah - Right? The nipple swirl is super distracting! Glad I'm not the only one staring at it:)

    Otterdaughter - It's going to haunt you isn't. I feel like I've accomplished something great today then:)

    Mimi - Hahahaha thanks for the reassurance that I haven't completely traumatized you with the Care Bear reference:) I'm pretty sure I traumatized myself though.

    Amanda - Hahahhaha thank you, I try.

    Felicia - It's a solid thought. He would probably prefer that explanation to mine:) And my marriage is completely ridiculous sometimes, I just have to laugh at us.

    Michelle - So true. These two need to try some out:)

    Tina - I personally thought the swirly boob was amazing. I couldn't not share it with everyone! And then I came across God of Fire and knew I had a theme for the week:)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dear sweet baby Jesus. Get that man some antibiotics 'cause that's one flaming STD he's got there! Oh-oh! And the shockingly white swirly boob! WTF is that?!?

    Seriously. Who the hell designs these covers? No, even worse, they were APPROVED by someone. Someone looked at these covers and said, "Yes. These are excellent representations of our authors' stories, and I'm certain they will be visually appealing to our readers." Really?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm home sick and doing some stuff for work on the computer. I'm waiting to hear back from someone and decided to do a little surfing. When your page opened I saw the image and in the middle of my, "What the hell is that?" thought I realized: Cover Critique! Yea! Just what I needed when I'm trapped inside on a beautiful Friday.

    The swirl, the hair, the conveniently placed black feather (it is a feather, right?) on the second one...both are great finds.

    The dialog between you and your husband was funny...did you tell him he made the blog, too?

    ReplyDelete
  13. *Laughs hysterically* I don't think I'll hear "Light My Fire" by the Doors without thinking of these two. And thank you for ruining my pure, innocent images of Care Bears.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ladies and gents, I think we have ourselves a couple of winners here ;)

    Peen a la flambé and titty swirl...I can't imagine how those could be topped! Bahahaha!!

    Oh and I seriously love the convo between you and your hubs. Kinda reminds me of me and my hubs...we're all so full of sarcastic goodness!

    This was EXCELLENT!!
    ♥Isalys / Book Soulmates

    ReplyDelete
  15. Mary - Right? Sweet Baby Jesus were my first words too. Then I clapped maniacally and did a happy dance:)

    Cheryl - YAY! So glad I could amuse you whilst your sick and stuck inside. Hope you feel better soon! And I did tell Kevin he made the blog, he wasn't nearly as excited as he should have been:)

    Rummanah - You're welcome, I strive every day to make people see things in a different way ;-)

    Juju - I KNOW IT! It's why I love them so much:)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Isalys - Peen a la flambe!! YESSSSSSSSSSSS! That is amazing. I'm using that in the future. And I think you and I and our hubs would get along famously:)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh my sweet fiery goodness! You are a genius for finding those covers... I mean, if you want to sell a book for woman you portray a hot guy on the cover.
    Emphasize here is on HOT! Not ugly! This guy even though he's just a drawing is so ugly it makes me cringe and no, his 6 pack is not helping!

    Happy Friday!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I may have ended up spilling my drink all down my front because I was snorting so hard at this! Especially to Sarah's comment about the nipple swirl being a cinnamon roll. Who knows? Anything is possible right? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Seriously, I have the biggest grin on my face. The whole
    post was fantistically funny from the crocheted oven mits handling hot man bits, to croch flames. The conversation with your husband was great too, men just don't get books and blogs, like we don't get boobs and beer. Speaking of boobs, the spiral boob lady is too funny. I can only imagine the sites you have to visit in order to find these gems, glad you scorch your eyes every week for our sake. Have a great weekend Jenny!

    ReplyDelete
  20. LOL...glad you like that...I kept thinking of a human version of a Baked Alaska *snort*

    I got to thinking so I'm a bit worried for god-dude because burning crotch cannot possibly be a good thing! Do they doctors on Mt. Olympus that handle these kinds of "delicate" situations?

    Omg, what if the fiery god and the phoenix had a thing and one gave something to the other? Hmm?

    ♥Isalys / Book Soulmates

    ReplyDelete
  21. Do you think the God of Fire would refer me to his hairdresser?

    ReplyDelete
  22. So I think maybe we should consider flaming tattoos for Junk Ink. Puts a whole new spin on fire crotch, don't ya think? And seriously, what's that look on his face, I think maybe the fire made him constipated. True story. Gosh, I would never date a guy who looked like that. EEEP! And your conversations with Kevin never cease to amuse me. I love that he knows this is going up on the blog. I mean, where else would we discuss premature ejaculation?

    And just to let you know, I also have a titty swirl. They're great for rainy days. Just sayin.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh Jenny. I adore you so. I love it when you make my sides hurt because I laugh so hard.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Can I be a fly on the wall to just listen to you and the hubs snark back and forth? LOL I love that!

    Btw, wasn't the hot poker a old fashioned way of curing the clap? (I know this from an old movie... just letting you know that... ROFL) Perhaps his problem is BAD!

    Oh and the care bear of boobies! ROFL!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Premature crotch ignition?! lmao. Who'd have thought I'd ever come across that phrase... EVER. Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Lol, I love the title of this post and the conversations you and your husband have, Jenny. Can I join Melissa and be a fly on the wall too? I expect I'll be eternally entertained :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. When I read the title, I snorted! HA! I just can't grasped at what someone was thinking when they made this cover! And to me, the guys look like the devil. Not a fire god!

    And the second chick, I'm just speechless.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh Jenny! You have absolutely outdone yourself! That man is scary!! Maybe fire crotch god and titty swirl were meant for each other. I don't think anyone else is going to want to get with that! Your husband truly doesn't appreciate the honor of being on your blog! There are authors in living rooms across the country cursing him for not realizing how his ratings just went up!

    Thanks for the laughs!

    Heather

    ReplyDelete
  29. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny...I'm speechless. This is all kinds of wrong, yet it's so right. This has made my Friday night. lol

    ReplyDelete
  30. I'm a day behind but you have just made getting up early on a Saturday totally worth it!

    Those flames on the first cover just make me wince...

    ReplyDelete
  31. The guy has this weird pouty face, kind of looks like a woman. Oh and yes a fiery crutch for sure.

    And do not even get me started on swirly nipple woman, LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I was actually laughing out loud when I read your post! I even got my oldest daughter out of bed to read it, too! What a great way to start a Saturday morning! Thanks for brightening my day with your awesome snarkiness :D

    ReplyDelete
  33. One of your funniest posts yet, Jenny! Your poor hubs.

    "Nothing sexier than a man with fiery junk I always say."

    Why, I was just saying that the other day!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Hee hee, his loins are AFLAME. Or BURNING with LOVE, I would imagine. Crispy bits indeed. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  35. Oh, my goodness, Jenny. YOU CRACK ME UP! How do you find these covers? You impress me. Immensely so. I can't stop laughing. And the conversation between you and your husband? Witty and priceless. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  36. Jenny!!!! Can I move in?!?! PLEEEEEASE???? Think of all the EPIC fun wecould have!! I mean SERIOUSLY! Dude... I think we should put it on a bumper sticker so the WORLD knows there's nothing sexist than a man with fiery junk!!!

    I don't believe the hubby fully appreciates your awesomely sarcastic, super badass-ness... when it's clearly so OBVIOUS!

    ReplyDelete
  37. PEEN OF FIRE FTW! Ah, the Care Bear reference. Oh man. This post is GOLD, chic! :)

    ReplyDelete
  38. Creepy covers! The first one is frightening. Love the convo with Kevin! Awesome :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. Oh my! LOL! I'm glad I'm not prone to out-of-nowhere verbal sexual outbursts! Hehe.

    ReplyDelete